apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
she smelled like a LAN party
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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