So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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