just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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