I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Sorry about my life...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
