i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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