There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
