So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
