so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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