He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
