I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
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We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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