I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
