Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
