my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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