not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
