he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
