you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
