I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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