Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
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So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
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Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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