I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
