dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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