I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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