I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just tell him i said nine months
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
