Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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