mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
