All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
