I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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