How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
