His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
