Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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