At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Randomize
