Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
