Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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