i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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