I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
