i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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