I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
