Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
