so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
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I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
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come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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