Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
