I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
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After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
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Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.