somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!