So drunk its hurt
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
