Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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