You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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