i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
