So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
