I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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