My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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