yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
