Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
