My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize