im six kinds of drunk right now
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
