are you still at the devil's house?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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