Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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