i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
