when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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