come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
is that a dick in a sweater?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
