it's too hot outside to masturbate.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
