Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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