Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
