So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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