Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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