i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
