WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
